


Rivers flow surely to the sea

by kannuki_neru



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Introspection, M/M, Other, Romance, Seungri-centric, Slow Build, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-23 03:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kannuki_neru/pseuds/kannuki_neru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seungri and Jiyong's relationship as seen by Seungri, starting from pre-debut days, Strong Baby promotions, through Heartbreaker and marijuana scandals up until Alive album.</p><p>('Everyone makes mistakes, magnae' he said with a hint of gentleness that did something strange to Seungri's heart. He stared down into his cup and for once didn't flinch away when Jiyong pulled him into an exaggerated hug. If Jiyong saw a tear or two trailing down Seungri's nose ridiculously into the cup, he didn't mention it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rivers flow surely to the sea

01.

Seungri didn't have many opportunities to explore shame and humiliation very often until after he'd decided he wanted to be an entertainer. Suddenly it seemed like everyone was considerably less friendly and occasionally people would openly tell him that with his meagre talent he had no business playing a singer. In hindsight it wasn't all that horrible, but at the time he was still a teenager who would get easily offended and hurt. He couldn't understand the sudden shift but eventually he got a bit better at adjusting around it and deciding who was a friend to keep and who only wanted to pour some venom into his life. Of course sometimes it was impossible to tell but that came as a part of the package. 

But whenever there was someone who told him that maybe he should really try it, he felt a strange lightness and a will to fight. The same will that helped him to pull through as his dreams and hopes were being dissected in a documentary that was probably never a healthy idea for someone as young. But he was to soon learn that the world he'd stepped into was rather far from being healthy or pleasant and also that the sensation of listening to excited crowds scream his name outweighed the moral compromises he had to choose sometimes. 

At first he thought that having many people criticise him, point out just how much he didn't fit was bad enough. Then he reconsidered and thought he tasted true humiliation in the recording studio when he was consistently put against a boy called Daesung, his new bandmate, and it was painstakingly proven to him song by song, note by note, how inferior he was. He knew that it was all for his good, explained to himself that this was how artists grow, but he still had to stifle tears in the toilet later. He tried not to hold it against Daesung who also didn't like being used as a means to make someone suffer, who looked apologetic after belting out songs with talent that Seungri was sure was out of his grasp. But he couldn't help being jealous. Daesung's face didn't fit the standards of a boy group but he had amazing talent as a magical pass that opened him many doors and so, it was Seungri who was the odd one out. Sometimes working to change that status seemed like too much trouble and he'd defiantly stare at the wall thinking that maybe he should do something else after all.

But he knew he couldn't fool his heart, he'd chosen to be on that stage and he settled for reasoning that life just doesn't deal its cards fairly. What comes naturally to some people is an excruciating process to others.

If he had to name one person to whom everything seemed to come naturally, he'd obviously have one name on his lips in an instant.

Kwon Jiyong.

It wasn't as if Kwon Jiyong didn't work or he put less effort than others, it was just that whatever he did seemed to have twice as much effect. Nothing he did was ever forced, unnatural, he had an easy confidence in him that made his movements sure and steady and also made the fans blindly believe that he was the best. Seungri also believed that he was the best. It was months and years later that he learned that Jiyong being the best wasn't quite as effortless as he used to think, that it came with a price not many would be willing to pay. And yet he took it with a blank face, gulping down coffee after coffee late at night.

From day zero Seungri had been proud to be in the same team. He often had a sinking suspicion that he was dragging him down in some way but the sheer joy of sharing the same stage was overwhelming. He tried to follow his hyung, emulate his confidence until it became a bit too much and later he had to bite back bitter regret when Jiyong scolded him for being too arrogant. He was quite sure he looked ridiculous look that, head hanging down and shuffling his feet like a five-year-old scolded by his mother. Somehow, he desperately wished that Jiyong would get angry, scream or even hit him. His quite voice stung more than anger would and when Seungri dared to look him in the eyes, he saw disappointment that made him choke. 

Jiyong looked let down and that was the worst punishment he could have imagined. It was like letting a person you'd been trying to impress see you in the most embarrassing situation possible. Seungri agonised over that look for the rest of the evening and the morning after until Jiyong made him tea and told him to stop. 'Everyone makes mistakes, magnae' he said with a hint of gentleness that did something strange to Seungri's heart. He stared down into his cup and for once didn't flinch away when Jiyong pulled him into an exaggerated hug. If Jiyong saw a tear or two trailing down Seungri's nose ridiculously into the cup, he didn't mention it.

 

02.

 

Seungri was quite sure he was going crazy. He was tense and angry, he felt like he could punch a complete stranger in the face and feel wicked satisfaction.

It was almost as if the world had changed too quickly and took a plummeting turn for the worse. He could swear it was only the other day when he felt proud looking at the charts and seeing Jiyong's solo album hit the roof or hear _you're my heart heart heart heart heart breaker_ play in a random restaurant he'd walked into. 

He witnessed how much hard work had gone into that album and although he was mentally ready for a good portion of anti-fans who would have a problem with Jiyong's singing or hairstyle, he was nowhere near ready for this. He didn't even want to have to be ready for this. He saw how the plagiarism accusations spiralled out of control until Jiyong's good name seemed to be tarnished beyond repair. It just seemed so unfair how years of hard work would suddenly amount to nothing, how people's malice could turn success into shame. He wasn't selfless enough not to consider the possible implications this might have held for his own career but surprisingly enough he couldn't bring himself to care as much as he should. It hurt too much to see Jiyong not talk to his parents, avoid phone calls from friends and retreat into his room far more often than he used to. Seungri loved Jiyong's confidence and inner light and to see that being stripped away from him methodically, day by day, was enough to bring out malice he didn't even know he was capable of feeling. He discovered with mild surprise that he probably couldn't be trusted in the presence of someone who he would know to be Jiyong's anti. 

He decided to take the stairs instead of the lift. There was just too much negative energy that had nowhere to go and he knew that he'd soon become even more frustrated. He braced himself when he opened the door to their dorms, expecting Jiyong to be locked away in his room, an alien silence permeating the entire place. What hit him instead was a smell of instant noodles drifting from the sofa in the living room. He kicked his shoes off and followed it until he saw Jiyong sitting cross-legged on the sofa, eating his noodles pensively. His face lit up when he saw Seungri and Seungri realised just how much he'd missed that sight. 

'You want some noodles?' Jiyong offered and Seungri shook his head. Jiyong shrugged and then patted the space beside him with his foot in a silent invitation. Seungri plopped down obediently and for a moment they sat in silence. Seungri considered which of the many words he wanted to say he should start with but Jiyong spoke before he had a chance to open his mouth.

'I know it'll sound sappy but I wanted to thank you for yesterday.' he said and slurped loudly, avoiding Seungri's eyes a bit.

Seungri immediately knew what he was talking about. His mouth formed a thin line for a second as he remembered watching Jiyong read comments about himself on the internet and how his arms slouched slightly more every time he clicked on the next page. They both remained silent until Seungri couldn't take it anymore and anything but slapped Jiyong's hand away from the mouse. Then he placed a decisive hand on his shoulder and just told him not to pay attention to losers. Jiyong's eyes went very wide and then he managed a weak smile. 'I'll try, hyung' he said jokingly and Seungri withdrew his forceful hand in embarrassment. Something like regret flickered in Jiyong's eyes but it was all too quick and by now Seungri was sure he must have imagined it. 

He found that kind of conversation awkward but if Jiyong wanted to have it, then so be it. 

He fixed his eyes on Jiyong's feet and waited for his next words. Nothing but slurps followed and Seungri realised that Jiyong didn't want to talk about it either. He was just acknowledging his gesture. He was also making it clear that he didn't plan on showing Seungri his weakness ever again. It was somewhere in the sharp line of his lips and apologetic eyes. Seungri knew for a fact he wasn't apologising to his noodles. He felt bad for making his dongsaeng take on responsibility for him and Seungri wanted to shout at him for being so stupid. Jiyong had a bad case of fixation on age and hierarchy, to a level uncommon even in Korea. Seungri felt like ripping his hair out whenever Jiyong mockingly called him a magnae, and only a bit less so when he affectionately called him a magnae. It was frustrating to have his age define their entire relationship, almost as if he could never move up in ranks and be anything more than a cute younger brother to Jiyong.

He was sure that Jiyong had been grateful to him yesterday, that he had been tempted to go as far as accept a hug and a pat on his head had Seungri offered one. But not now, now he slipped back into his reliable hyung persona and he'd sooner die than have Seungri comfort him. But Seungri could see that something was wrong, that he looked even more exhausted than the day before. 

'Have fun with your family tonight, and bring me some food back! I love your mum's cooking. You should learn how to cook meat like her' A sudden string of words snapped Seungri out of his quiet contemplation and he could only nod dumbly. Jiyong smiled gently and it felt like a dismissal. 

Seungri noted how pale he looked but got up anyway.

.

He did have a fun time with his family and didn't even protest when his mother cooed and showered him with affection more than usual. They all seemed worried but no one mentioned anything and Seungri enjoyed not being a dongsaeng for once. He excused himself to the toilet and then spent ten minutes splashing water onto his face and looking at his reflection in the mirror. Looking for answers to half-formed questions, he thought and then grimaced because it sounded ridiculous even in his own head. 

He was about to come back to the table when something made him stop. He heard a faint buzzing sound from his coat hanging in the hallway exactly when he was passing. He fished for it in his pocket but the call was cut by the time he got his hands on it. He looked at the screen and saw Jiyong's name followed by the many hearts Jiyong typed in himself. He was also the second name on the missed calls list and the third and the fourth. 

Seungri felt a creeping dread when it hit him that Jiyong had called him seven times in the last hour. He barely thought to shout something in the general direction of the living room and he was rushing out of the door. He dialled Jiyong's number as he ran down the stairs, ready to jump into a car, taxi or hop on a plane if something was wrong. 

'Hey, magnae' Jiyong's voice came a bit muffled and Seungri thought that obviously something was wrong. Obviously. Jiyong wouldn't have called him seven times.

'Hyung? What's wrong?' he asked and his voice sounded too high in his ears. He gulped twice in an attempt to keep himself in check.

'Oh, nothing, I was just bored and wanted to annoy you.' Jiyong said a bit shakily and Seungri just couldn't believe that he was really attempting to lie against all reason. 

'Right, hyung. So what's wrong?' he tried, a bit more impatiently. He needed to know if he indeed had to run back to the dorms or call an ambulance or whatever. 

Jiyong sighed in return. 'I wanted to hear your voice.'

Seungri found himself dumbfounded and stopped walking. He was standing outside his house, ready to jump or fly and suddenly it felt like there was an impossible distance between him and Jiyong. 

'My voice?' he tried. Then he added, a bit more quietly: 'I'm here, hyung.'

He could swear he heard a sob. That couldn't have been Jiyong crying into his phone, it just couldn't have. Seungri felt an overwhelming sense of desperation. 

'Are you crying?'

This time it was doubtlessly a sob. Followed by another and then a shaky exhale. Seungri stood frozen to the spot as he listened to faint sobs becoming louder until Jiyong was actually crying openly. His throat was too tight to speak and he gripped his phone as if it could actually support him somehow.

'I was just wondering, magnae, why so many people would want me to disappear. It's not like I've committed a treason against the country.' he said trying to be sarcastic between sobs but Seungri picked out the important bit.

'Want you to disappear?' he repeated worriedly.

'I mean, how can you-' Jiyong's breath hitched '-how can you openly tell someone to go kill himself?' 

Seungri felt an inexplicable amount of anger building up and bursting inside him. He wanted to strangle someone with his bare hands, right now.

'Hyung, please don't even think about it. I'm coming home.' 

'Maybe they're right. Don't you think? Maybe they have a point.' Jiyong said and it sounded so broken that Seungri had to close his eyes to keep himself from bursting into tears. They didn't need both of them crying though so Seungri swallowed it. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, weighing words on his tongue, all the while listening to Jiyong cry. 

'They're not right, hyung.' He was surprised at how much steel there was in his voice. 'It's all wrong. Please don't cry.'

Jiyong responded by crying even harder. Seungri couldn't be expected to know how to handle this, couldn't have known, but omehow, he thought he knew what to do. 

'Seunghyun-ah,' Jiyong whispered and Seungri stared at the ground. He kept blinking fast, trying not to let Jiyong tell that he was crying too. Just a bit.

'I'll save you. Don't worry.' he blurted out and he could feel Jiyong's surprise even over the phone.

Seungri heard a faint 'okay' and took a step forward.

 

03.

 

Seungri wondered if they were ever going to catch a break. It seemed like scandals just liked it there.

He honestly was at a complete loss and ran out of ideas as to what he could possibly do to make it all better. It didn't really help that he had to be the one to first learn about Daesung's accident, he had to control his breathing as he woke Jiyong up and wordlessly pointed to the screen. It was almost as if he settled into a comfortable position of communicating the worst news to the rest of them. And then watching them crumple.

He didn't even know how to approach Daesung, they weren't close enough for him to justify just barging into his room and saying 'Hey, you possibly killed a young man, don't let it get to you.' Every single person he'd known would let it get to them. Every sane person would. And he knew Daesung, even if he had no idea about his private life, his secrets, he knew his determination and good heart and everything that made them so different. It was too surreal to watch a person who used to smile all the time change all his smiles into tears. 

And then there was Jiyong. 

Jiyong was constantly camping out outside Daesung's room, waiting for a sign or just being there and not even caring if his presence was known or not. He took to crying way more often than usual and couldn't even be bothered to hide it from anyone. Seungri felt like he was walking through a mine field every waking moment of the day. 

They all stepped on a land mine the second Jiyong's drug test came back positive.

It's not like Seungri was unaware of the fact, he'd known about marijuana long before the reporters could catch a whiff of it. He was furious when he learned about it, he could still remember shouting at Jiyong, actually screaming his hyung down and Jiyong had the presence of mind to look more ashamed than he probably was. He also had never seen Seungri so angry with him before.

Seungri wasn't very bothered about the drug itself, worse things happened all the time in the industry. But Jiyong should have known better, shouldn't have succumbed. 

'Isn't it you who always tells me to watch out?! That we're a part of the team?!' he could hear blood rushing in his veins and he knew he was milliseconds away from saying things he'd regret later.

'I know I screwed up.' Jiyong admitted and that was it. He couldn't offer anything to make it better except hope he wouldn't get caught. 

When he did, he just look resigned and his eyes were constantly looking elsewhere, not meeting Seungri's. 

This was very different from Heartbreaker, he was actually guilty and he knew it. Seungri didn't know how to handle the admiration he'd felt since the moment he saw Jiyong, the respect and longing that helped shape his career, turning into bitter disappointment. He realised with sudden clarity that Jiyong wasn't the invincible person he'd imagined him to be and right now, he just fucked up so bad.

They grew a lot more silent and as Seungri was trying to come to terms with what Jiyong had done, and where that put them from now on, Jiyong seemed to think that Seungri just didn't want anything to do with him anymore. How Seungri had missed that, he didn't know but it hit him one day when Jiyong cornered him on the sofa. The media already knew, everyone did, and Jiyong would just bow ninety degrees at the slightest cue. 

'Do you think you'll be able to at least pretend in front of the cameras?' Jiyong asked him and there was no judgment in his voice, just a suspicious blankness on his face.

'You mean supposing they'll let us back on the stage ever again?' Seungri bit back before he could stop himself. When Jiyong didn't reply he actually thought about the question. 'Pretend to do what?'

'Pretend to be able to stand the sight of me.' Jiyong said and looked him in the eye for the first time in what felt like forever.

Seungri choked a little and then looked over his behaviour over the past weeks. It really was no wonder, he thought, but it didn't sting any less. He could only stare at the floor and suddenly he couldn't find any words. Jiyong was waiting but Seungri couldn't tell him that he'd been forgiven already, that he just wished their lives would become simple again, without people calling them murderers and junkies. Jiyong must have misunderstood him again because he got up eventually and patted Seungri's shoulder awkwardly. He didn't dare touch him these days. 

'I'm sorry for always forcing things you don't like on you.' he said and he was out of the door. 

Seungri didn't like PDA, he didn't like meaningless touches and fake cheerfulness but Jiyong was very wrong to think that Seungri hated it when they would sit on the sofa together after Seungri had had a bad day and Jiyong would pull him close. Only once did Seungri mumble 'I'm not your girlfriend, hyung' and Jiyong smiled against his hair. 'I know,' he replied and somehow his lips wandered over to Seungri's cheek. His words ghosting over Seungri's skin felt like kisses and Seungri gripped Jiyong's shoulder that much tighter. Jiyong sighed and rested his head in the crook of Seungri's neck. 'I know you're not' and if there were too many unspoken things in his words, both of them chose to ignore it.

Seungri was still sitting on the sofa when a friend called him. Party, good time, you need a break. Seungri couldn't really argue with that and he promised himself that he'd get as drunk as humanly possible. At some point during the evening he got a call from Youngbae, urging him to meet up with all of them. 'Little get-together, come join us,' he said and Seungri could hear sadness in his voice. 

He wondered if Jiyong went flying straight into Youngbae's arms, if Youngbae just hugged him wordlessly and if Jiyong cried. Seungri didn't want him to cry in front of others, even if it was his best friend. His mind kept supplying him with unhelpful visions of Jiyong and Youngbae, and in each of them somehow Jiyong ended on his back, crying through kisses. This was ridiculous. He was completely drunk and his hazed mind could even believe that Youngbae would lay hands on his best friend. Seungri tried to wash them down with more alcohol for another fifteen minutes and then he called a taxi.

He could hear voices, everyone apart from Daesung was in Seunghyun-hyung's apartment. He climbed marble stairs and tried to make sense of what they were saying, but he couldn't. 

Voices died out when he all but kicked the door open and Jiyong shot up to his feet. Seungri must have looked like a disaster because Jiyong was obviously worried, reaching his hand out and then withdrawing it. 

That was it. No more misunderstandings. Seungri opened his mouth to eloquently explain everything but he could only slur helplessly. He looked around the room irritably and then set his eyes back on Jiyong. He seemed worn out and Seungri suddenly understood that he must have seen another batch of 'kill yourself' comments, or maybe somebody even said it to his face. Jiyong was starting to believe it, Seungri thought with fear, and he could fell his eyes well up stupidly. He was going to lose his dignity in mere seconds. 

Seungri completely ignored Youngbae's incredulous look and just blindly grabbed Jiyong's forearm. He pulled him closer and without much thinking, latched himself on Jiyong and proceeded to cry. Jiyong shifted in his arms, didn't know what to do with his hands and then awkwardly hugged him back. Seungri squished him - this must have been the most intense hug he'd ever given anyone- and cried shamelessly into his shoulder. He didn't know how long it took but he could hear Youngbae's irritable voice from somewhere behind his back. He didn't care all that much and continued to smother Jiyong. His behaviour was so confusing he almost laughed at himself.

'Thank you.' he heard Jiyong whisper into his ear and it made a little more sense. 'Seunghyun-a~h' he added. 'You're really cute, you know.'

Seungri didn't argue back this time.

 

04.

 

Seungri took a deep breath instead of kicking the vending machine and possibly damaging it beyond repair. He settled for poking around and inwardly begging it to work. He was in a dire need of a coffee, even a bad one would do. Hence, the vending machine on the second floor. 

Suddenly, there was a suspicious noise and a can of coffee made its way down into his hands. A sigh of relief echoed in the quiet corridor. It was quiet enough to make him doubt if he really was in central Seoul, one floor under the recording studio. 

Quiet.

Jiyong must have lost some steam and it wasn't that surprising considering he'd been tweaking that song for ages. Something obviously didn't seem right and Seungri gave up on trying to tell him that it was already brilliant. Jiyong could be so stubborn that no one could manage to talk sense into him, Seungri thought and started walking back.

'Seunghyun-ah! Why isn't this going the way I want it to,' Jiyong complained the moment Seungri set one foot inside the room. 'I have no idea what's wrong with it!' 

Seungri shook his head and threw himself on a chair next to Jiyong. He really couldn't be bothered to painstakingly explain again that the song was already good and ready. He was only half listening to Jiyong's tirade, focusing more on the way Jiyong's fingers were tapping furiously on the desk, his eyes looking over the lyrics and notes hurriedly. He was totally determined to work on it as long as necessary.

'You can go home by the way, this is your fourth coffee.' Jiyong said, letting his attention stray from the song. Seungri was about to make a joking comment about how he was obviously not needed in this creative process but when he looked up Jiyong was eyeing him up and down with concern. 

Suddenly, Seungri realised that Jiyong probably noticed how his dark circles turned from slightly worrying into horrible, how he couldn't quite sit up straight because all of his muscles were strained from working out and dance practice. Seungri felt strangely exposed, as if he could keep no secrets from Jiyong and he knew everything about him after one good look.

Then again, it probably wasn't that. It was just that Jiyong had been always watching him, looking out for him, and occasionally annoying him by trying to treat him like a child. In the quiet studio, Seungri understood with sudden clarity that Jiyong was never lying when he insisted that 'magnae is his favourite.' That thought spread through him like fire and he couldn't believe he was blushing like a schoolgirl, at 3 p.m. in a recording studio of all places.

'I'm fine.' he said, trying to keep tiredness out of his voice. 'But I think you should get some sleep instead, hyung.'

Jiyong smiled and waved that idea off. 'Can't do that yet.' he smirked and twirled a pen in his fingers. 'Let's just both be dead tomorrow.'

Seungri snorted and opened his coffee. That meant that they were both going to be tired and cranky and probably have ten unnecessary arguments. He started shuffling through papers scattered in front of him and picked up the lyrics to 'Blue' again, just because he liked it a lot. The song wasn't officially called 'Blue' yet, because Jiyong insisted it was too predictable but Youngbae thought otherwise. Seungri knew he was going to convince him soon. 

Words were dancing before his eyes and he determinedly blinked until he saw clearly again. Didn't Seunghyun-hyung write his rap part? Wasn't it Daesung who changed the chorus part a bit and then whispered that it suited Seungri's voice perfectly? That song was all theirs and so, so sad, Seungri thought. He wished Jiyong would write a really happy song one day, that he would be perfectly happy one day. He knew it wasn't going to happen because people would just continue to dab at Jiyong and make sure he knew that his anti-fans hated him as much as his fans loved him. But it was still okay.

'This part sounds so depressing. _Wandering is inevitable, people always come and go_.' he said aloud and Jiyong looked at him curiously. 

'That's what they do, magnae' he said softly and turned his head to one side.

Seungri considered it just for a second because he was, after all, already considered the cheesy one. He had a free pass for words that escaped his mouth.

'I will never leave.' he mumbled and fiddled with the coffee briefly before turning to look at Jiyong. He was staring at him and then, slowly, his face lit up in a smile, the kind that Seungri just couldn't describe as anything else than radiant. 

'Then I'll never let you go,' he said and they both laughed a bit awkwardly at how cheesy they sounded. For a while, neither of them could quite look away and they shifted closer. The moment was soon broken but something changed. Seungri felt that something in their dynamic would always change, step by step, until they reached the point that was very obvious to him from the day he met Jiyong.

'You should still go home now, Seunghyun-ah.' Jiyong chided and returned to his notes.

'Let it go, hyung. Do I smell or something?' Seungri laughed.

'Yes,' Jiyong said flatly and Seungri had to resist hitting him. 

'I could never point out the same to you, that's unfair' he whispered and then caught Jiyong's deadly glare. He sighed and resigned himself to slurping his coffee obediently.

_Winter has come to an end and the spring is coming_

 

END

 

27th February, 2012

 

My first gri ever, how did you like it? :D I think I've taken to spending way too much time trying to figure out how Seungri thinks, how Seungri feels and well, how much he loves Jiyong. He is such a curious boy and I love him dearly.


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